Hello! You may not remember me. It’s been almost a year since my last post on 31 December 2014. For the past few years, I’ve been foundering and floundering, stuck in an inertial frame of reference—the bad, a-body-at-rest-tends-to-stay-at-rest kind. But I’m starting to realize some energy for writing (not sure exactly where it’s coming from but I’m not going to complain) and my intention is to get back to this blog with renewed interest and determination.
Whence stems my foundering and floundering?
That’s the question I’ve been pondering of late. My inclination has been to equate my f[l]oundering with depression and plop all the blame there. This (seemingly) allows me to vindicate myself of all responsibility and I can sit back, maintaining my (non-moving) inertial frame of reference, and wait for the drugs to kick in, or for the universe to step in, or for some other outside agency to strap some booster rockets to my ass and magically restore my former energy. All in all, a very easy, safe, plausibly deniable state of being.
I have also considered the effects long-term depression has on the brain, brain structure, the limbic system, and the body as a whole. Depression, as does chronic physical pain, rewires the brain and effectively changes who I am. How do I fight this automatic brain reorganization? Surely, I cannot be held responsible for my fate! Again, easy, safe, and plausibly deniable.
But then the thought crosses several synapses in my brain that, perhaps, just maybe, I’m nothing more than a lazy sack of possum turds. Perhaps it really is in my power to overcome my inertia and fire my own booster rockets, accelerating myself and throwing myself into the non-simplicity of a non-inertial frame of reference. I just need some self-motivtion and self-discipline, along with several other obscene words I shan’t write aloud and which trigger all manner of complexes in my psyche.
But this is definitely a positive feeling—which is quite a foreign feeling to me, of late. A few quanta of energy, a small fraction of the total energy currently locked away in the unconscious, are oozing out from under the basement door and making themselves available to me, initiating the restlessness I’m feeling. I’m still not writing every day and, when I do write, it’s for a short period of time but my excitement stems from the fact that I’m writing something!